So...my girlfriend broke up with me. Never would I have imagined that it would end like this. Over a text message, how lame is that?
I don't know what to say. Well, I guess there's no going back and no fixing it.
I know this is my fault but what can I do now? I know I fucked up and I can't fix it now.
I knew she was going to give up on me sooner or later.
I knew that this was going to happen from the start and that it would end one way or the other. I dreaded that moment and it finally happened. Honestly, I thought I would/should be happy but I'm not. It hurt more than I thought. A hell of a lot.
I'm extremely surprised that it lasted this long.
I regret everything; the tears, the pain, the cutting, the anger, all of it. I just wish I could go back and fix it.
I keep getting this sense that she'll be happier without me.
I wish I wasn't so hard on her.
I wish I had told her everything.
I wish I hadn't treated her like such a child.
I wish I had realized everything sooner.
I wish I wasn't such a fool.
I wish I could do everything all over again.
But the sad part is, I was just finally starting to fall for her. It's true that I always viewed her as a friend and a sister. But its starting to change...
And she was just understanding how I felt.
Though, I never wanted her to feel it because I knew it would be a crush her already tired mentality.
I'd like to talk to her but I'm so terrified of speaking and fucking shit up all over again. I still want to be her friend. I still want to interact with her. I'm so terrified of her turning her back on me. I understand where she's coming from.
It was never my intent to hurt her. And she said that it was an abusive relationship, that hurt.
But to be honest, I'm rather dead. I have nothing left. I used up all my mental fortitude and emotional strength. I really couldn't care if I died now so that she never has to bother with me. Or anyone for that matter.
I'm weary from fighting. I'm weary from everything. I'm tired from her crying. I can't go on anymore, and neither could she it seems.
I sacrificed a lot and what did I get in return? Pain. I did everything for her, I did what I could, granted I could've tried harder. I just wanted what was best for her. I just wanted to make her happy, even if I wasn't. I don't blame her at all. If she's happy, then that's all that matters.
Half of it is how we were raised. Sure my brother was an abusive motherfucker, my sis was a bitch and my mom is a bit of a slut but who else did I have? But I love my sis and mom anyway. They might treat me like crap sometimes but they try to help me and get me to be independent (financially) . And I wanted to have a life but I can't. And they're family, so I can't help but have a sense of obligation to pay them back. Then leave.
She was raised pretty lonely. Her dad who had impossibly high standards and her mom was almost never around. She didn't really have siblings to watch over her like I did, (so excuse me for having some of my sister's traits) so it's understandable. Sometimes I find it hard to understand.
Even though she's an emotionally needy, lonely, selfish, immature brat, I love her anyway. Sometimes the things she says and does is quite contemptuous but I won't begrudge her the circumstances of her life and I certainly wouldn't wish any harm on her.
To add to this maelstrom of emotional crap, my family doesn't quite approve, and I can't not disobey them. She always wants me (or rather did) to go over there just to escape from them. But I can't just pick up and go. That wouldn't be right. I would like to leave, but what can I do?
& it's not worth the fight or the effort to argue back.
I wish she could just forget me. Or laugh me off as a fool for wasting her precious time.
I wish she could realize how her words hurt more than all of my family's torture put together. I wish she could understand that I feel like she smothers me sometimes. I wish she could know that I'm emotionally independent and that I don't need someone constantly by my side. I wish she could understand. I wish she wasn't so selfish sometimes.
I wish a lot. I only wish for her to be happy, that's all.
I don't know what to do anymore...
Though, that knife is really looking like a friend again.
If she ever reads this, what will she say? What will she do? I don't think I could take it. I'm already down, why not add to it? I deserve it after all. I'm already crying, why not? I don't have anything to lose.
If she does, my sincerest apologies. It is better that I was not part of your life. I promise that I won't bother you anymore. In fact, you probably won't hear from me ever again.
Listening to: Soundscape to Ardor
Reading: Bleach 505 and Naruto 599
Playing: Star Succesor: Sin and Punishment